


She Likes Boob Stuff

by Broba



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Breasts, F/M, It's all about breasts, More Breasts, tits, tits everywhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-22
Updated: 2014-09-22
Packaged: 2018-02-18 08:21:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2341520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broba/pseuds/Broba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For various reasons John finds himself confronted with various Lalonde tits. All the tits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	She Likes Boob Stuff

  
John had no sense of preparation or destiny in the moments before he touched them, it was neither a conscious decision on his part nor entirely the whimsy of capricious coincidence. He looked down in surprised to realise that he was grasping two handfuls and he had no idea how this had come to be.

Three hours earlier, John Egbert turned up at the Lalonde residence for the weekly movie night. This week it was Rose's turn to play hostess, and she approached the matter with her usual sense of the theatrical. There had been hand-written invitations on creamy squares of sturdy parchment, encouraging all of her friends by name to attend the evenings' festivities. She had referred to him as John Egbert Esq. John had briefly wondered what an Esq was, and how he qualified to be one, but it really didn't matter it was just the way Rose liked to do things. Mrs Lalonde always laid on a banquet whenever there were guests in the house, and Rose delighted in attempting to one-up her mother in every detail of providing a perfect evening. The sniping and sub-vocalised bickering between them was in fact the reason that the group had decided on a system of movie nights at each of their homes in turn- it meant that at least they only had to tolerate the intense games of mutual emotional destruction played between the Lalondes one week in every four.

Even by the rather fraught standards of the Lalonde household, this particular movie night had been something else. John didn't often spend much time trying to understand what in a thousand crispy fried hells was going on between Rose and Mrs Lalonde, but tonight the unspoken warfare seemed ready to brim over into global thermonuclear unpleasantness. Dave was being even more stoic then usual and pretending not to notice, and for her part Jade was trying to act like nothing was wrong, leaving John to sit and sweat on the couch, his eyes swivelling left and right like a nervous umpire at an angry tennis match while Rose and her mother exchanged the most exquisitely barbed series of underhanded and vicious loving compliments he had ever heard.

They had all congregated in the expansive lounge to watch the DVD picked out for the evening, but John couldn't pay attention. Rose insisted on sitting right next to him- close enough that he could sense the warmth of her body through their clothes. He swallowed and ignored the movie, concentrating every ounce of his attention on assassinating the swelling hint of a boner that was threatening to do to his trousers what the collected hordes of the mighty Genghis Khan did to central China. He was uncomfortably aware of every motion of her body as she settled and re-settled herself next to him and the bright red batphone in his brain buzzed angrily to let him know that the commissioner of his pants wanted to have a very stern word. He looked up with a start as Mrs Lalonde bustled her way into the room like a genteel and very discreet express locomotive, bearing a tray full of delicious iced beverages for them all. By this point Rose had accidentally allowed the neck of her shirt to slip slightly and John was pretty certain that out of the corner of his eye he could see a hint of actual bra strap. He wanted to take that delicious iced beverage and use it to drown his cock, that would teach the bastard.

Rose practically purred her thanks as she accepted a drink, and then nudged up against John to pass him a glass. John stared stonily ahead and murmured something. He could sense Mrs Lalonde staring at him. He could perceive her eyeballs through his own skull. He could feel the heat of her appraising gaze gently sautee his brains.

“John, darling,”  
“Mrs Lalonde?”  
“Would you help me for a moment? I need a hand in the kitchen. Do be a dear?”  
“Oh? Of course, ow!”  
John felt something like a cat's claw in his arm for a moment, but when he looked down he just saw Rose's retreating hand. Shaking his head he got up- even being in a kitchen with Mrs Lalonde was preferable to sitting there next to Rose.

John walked into the kitchen after Mrs Lalonde. She turned, suddenly, and he nearly ran into her. He looked down in surprise to notice that he was clutching two handfuls.  
“Oh my, John, you are a one!”  
John didn't know what to say. John wasn't entirely convinced that there even was anything to say to someone when you found yourself suddenly and very firmly in possession of their breasts. Mrs Lalonde was, to say the least, a well developed hale and hearty woman and she filled his palms with ease. In those moments of hyper-acuity which are afforded to those who are convinced that they are about to die, John noted that her breasts were actually lighter then he had expected. He had always assumed that a lady's bosoms were basically just like sacks of water, basically, but this was nothing like that. Her breasts were pulsing gently as she breathed, and they hung lightly from her as though he could have tossed them into the air. The sheer ridiculousness of the thought brought him to his senses and he dropped his hands to his sides, blushing furiously.

“John,” she whispered, “I've seen how you look at my little Rose. Are you intent on deflowering all of the Lalonde ladies at once? You wicked, wicked boy,”  
“No, no! It's not like that, it was an accident!”  
“In that case let me be absolutely and deliberately clear,” she took his hands in hers, and deliberately, slowly, pressed them up against her breasts. He reflexively clenched, and he could feel the material of her undergarments crinkle under his fingers.  
“I don't- um-m-m-”  
“You can do whatever you like, do you understand?”  
She was already pulling open the fasteners of her top, and she laid bare her décolletage. Her breasts were right there, in front of him. A reality to amazing to ignore, and he quietly slid his hands into her bra and eased them out until they hung, slightly awkwardly and nude to the air. Her nipples were smaller then he had expected them to be, and pinker, too. He touched one- just with a fingertip, and he immediately noticed her neck muscles work as she swallowed heavily.  
“What's happening, Mrs Lalonde?”  
“What do you want to happen?”  
“Is this some kind of a thing between you and Rose? I don't want to make trouble-”  
She pressed on his hands and suddenly he was violently groping her, squeezing her breasts until the skin between his fingers blanched vividly. That got a moan out of her. John sighed and relaxed, and just as she breathed out he did it again- squeezing them together roughly. This time she nearly squeaked, and had to gasp for breath.

“Oh my God-”  
“Don't stop, John, I do like it when you do that, I promise,”  
“Do you mean it?”  
She just nodded, and John pressed his face against her skin, just rubbing at her breasts with his lips, his nose, his eyes, he breathed in deeply and clenched his fingers artlessly around her nipples, consumed with a great black something that throbbed and churned in his gut, he couldn't care less in that moment about propriety or manners.

With a shock like a gulp of delicious iced beverage he heard the creak of a door down the corridor and recoiled like he had been stung. Mrs Lalonde was already pulling her clothes together, neatly doing up the fasteners with quick, sure fingers. John coughed and practically ran out of the kitchen, and almost ran straight into Rose, who was approaching from the other direction. She looked him over with an unreadable, calm gaze, and then glanced over his shoulder at her mother. John nodded, coughed, and pushed past her.

Rose reached back and caught his hand, turning to face him. She was a sillouette against the light of the kitchen, and he couldn't even see the twinkle of her eyes.  
“John,”  
“Mm? Rose? Yes? What? I was just-” John waved his hand vaguely, “-helping. Mm.”  
“I wonder if you would join me upstairs for a moment. It seems that I need your heelp with something aswell.”  
From behind her, the piping, cheerful voice of Mrs Lalonde rang out, “oh darling, I'm sure John is more interested in getting back to the film, why not leave him be?”  
“I definitely,” said Rose definitely, “need John's help. I need to move a series of increasingly large objects. This cannot wait.”  
John wanted to say something but he was smart enough to have learned that saying things never helped with the Lalondes. Rose practically dragged him up the wide staircase to her room, and slammed the door.

John gulped. It was the end, he knew it. She had seen something, or else just figured it all out with her crazy girl-senses.  
“Now look, Rose, I know this looks pretty bad, but it's not like that! I really didn't mean to!”  
“To what, John?”  
“To not do anything, is what I am basically trying to say, which is exactly what I didn't not do.”  
“I'm sure I have no idea what you are talking about, that's not why I brought you up here.”  
“Well, why then?”  
Rose looked vaguely uncomfortable. She took a breath, and casually pulled an arm inside of her top, before struggling it off over her head.  
“Rose!”  
“We are going to fool around, John.”  
“This is ridiculous!”  
“I don't think so, it's the first blooming of a youthful sexuality, try to have a little dignity in this important moment John.”

She dropped her shirt to the floor, and suddenly she was just stood there in her shift skirt and a velvety-black bra which was decorated with what appeared to be a tasteful repeating pattern of pink kitty skulls. She reached behind her and appeared to twist something, and suddenly the bra fell loose and she shrugged that off too.  
“Oh God,”  
“What's the matter John? Not seen a pair of these before?”  
In fact he had, and more recently then she might have thought. Rose cupped her slender little breasts and raised them in her hands, almost like an offering. Hers were smaller, and noticeably firmer. Yet, they were also familiar- there was a definite resemblance. John stared down at her inviting little nipples as if he were hypnotised.  
“It's all right,” she said, “you can do what you want,”  
“Why?”  
“Do you make a habit of questioning semi-naked young ladies presenting themselves to you?”  
“No,” said John firmly, “I don't. Do I? I don't know?”

Rose rolled her eyes and moved closer, stroking her breasts up against his chest as their bodies met.  
“Touch them?”  
John lifted her breasts, they were softer then anything he had handled in his life, he thought, and so light. He squeezed experimentally- he could almost pinch each breast between finger and thumb, and Rose let out a slightly unhappy little noise- not acquiescing but not willing to ask him to stop. Understanding, he just stroked them, passing the backs of his knuckles over her nipples gently and smiling when they responded visibly. It was surprising in fact how much a visible change there was as he touched her. He was just standing there rhythmically stroking her breasts, and Rose was practically purring like a contented kitten. She actually started leaning her weight from one foot to the other, rubbing her thighs together self-consciously under her skirt as he touched and stroked her.  
“Oh Rose, you said I could do anything I want?”  
“I meant it too,”  
“You mean, anything?”  
“John, are you contemplating something unpleasant? Because let me tell you, I have experimented with clothes-pegs in my spare time and while I can't say the sensation was entirely unwelcome it was still a little... difficult.”  
“Oh my God, are you serious?”  
She nodded, “and ice-cubes. And I even tried using some rubber bands to tie them...” she caught herself, realised what she was saying and grinned with a blush.  
“I never knew you were into things like that!”  
“It's not so unusual. Girls like to experiment, John. We like to try out different things. We're delicate and sensitive, it's not enough to just give things a quick yank and be done with it like boys.”  
“Hey, we don't-”  
“Oh please,”  
“Well all right.”

John licked his lips, “clothes pegs, eh?”  
“Sometimes,” she replied shyly, “I kind of like it when they come off. It stings like nothing else, one time I nearly cried my eyes out.”  
“Um, would you mind if I...”  
“You want to try it on me?”  
“I would.”  
“Well, I said you could do anything, didn't I?”

They were interrupted suddenly, by the sound of a vacuum cleaner starting up and being aggressively pushed back and forth across the landing at the top of the stairs. Rose moaned and reached for her top.  
“It's mother. It's pretty bad when she gets like this.”  
“She's cleaning?”  
“Just wait. By the middle of the night she'll be polishing. Then comes-” Rose shuddered, “-dusting.”  
“I think I should, I'm just going to,”  
“Oh, no!”

But it was too late, John had reached the door and he was intend on fleeing and not all the hounds of hell would have dragged him back. The landing was black and almost impossible to navigate so deep were the shadows. As he attained the stairs John looked back, and in a sudden and improbably flicker of lightning that arced outside of the window he thought he saw a tall shape waiting behind him, with one hand extended outwards in a beckoning motion.

Dave came out of the lounge to find out what all the racket was about just in time to see John tumble down the stairs, bolt for the door and yank it open. He just stood there and stared.  
“Dude,” he said, “why?”  
“Tits!” John hissed back, “tits everywhere!” With that, he was gone.

Dave sighed and turned back into the lounge.  
“It's okay, he just yelled something and he was gone.”  
“Did he see anything?”  
“Nah, he wasn't even looking.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yeah I'm sure,” Dave grinned, “now where were we?”  
Jade smiled back at him and dropped her arms from where she had reflexively crossed them over her breasts, and Dave practically launched himself onto the couch.

**Author's Note:**

> I have my own reasons for this, ok? Sometimes I just write to try and impress chicks!


End file.
